if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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