god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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