The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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