How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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