my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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