I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
