he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
