I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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