nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
