I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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