Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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