Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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