Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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