I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
