Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
