hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I need a beard to bite.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize