You're my little dorito
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
