Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize