hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
