I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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