when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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