Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you will always have a special place in my vag
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
