Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize