living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
