I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
