i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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