i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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