I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
