hotel room ftw
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
