I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
