I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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