She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
