i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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