So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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