My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
did i walk over a car last night?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
