At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
