I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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