I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
