She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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