I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
