oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
