just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
