Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
