I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do vagina's smell?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
