the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
