70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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