I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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