so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
