Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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