I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
