I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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