Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You ate ashes out of my bong
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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