In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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