How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
