Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
