i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
