Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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