Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
