So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
